Saturday, July 5, 2014

Mourning Time

We do a lot of mourning in life - when someone dies, when important chapters in our lives end or change or when you husband leaves you for a pregnant chain-smoking cunt (Oops, did that sound angry?  I swear I don't care I'm glad I'm not married to him anymore).  But we don't as often take the time or honor the importance of mourning the small stuff.

Since we moved to Key West last September Mark swears that I'm way crabbier and bitcher than I ever have been.  And its true, I'm hung up, most days I struggle to really find joy in my new home.  First, the lack of what most people consider to be shitty  weather - rain, clouds and cold, seems to be getting to me the most.  I knew when we moved here that my least favorite kind of weather was sunny, blue sky weather, the kind we have here constantly, but I really just thought I would get used to it.  I haven't.  I swear I'm trying to pass it off that I have Summer On-set Seasonal Affective Disorder but no one really believes me.  Then when you throw in the factors of missing important events back home and being over a thousand miles away from your besties, the ones who help you deal with your emotions, and well, shit - it's depressing.

Mostly its the things, both mentally and physically, that I'm holding on to that trigger it.   Once, just one freakin time I wanted to look at some clothes on the shopping site and now I forever get emails from them.  I could simply unsubscribe to them - but honestly I like looking.  But then, as happened the other day I saw a pair of leather boots.  It took me by surprise how much I wanted them, loved them. They were beautiful and wonderful. But where the fuck in Key West would I wear them.   It instantly put me into a REALLY bad mood.  I couldn't be helped.  I was depressed because I didn't need boots and I don't know if or when I ever will again.

 Why would I need boots when  I couldn't even save my favorite black leather flats because did I mention that when my favorite wet and/or cold weather rolls in I can't really enjoy it because I'm too busy trying to keep everything we own - from our shoes and couches to our spices and picture frames from growing mold.

I still have two boxes and one drawer of winter clothes here.  The heavy duty stuff is still back home in my parents basement.  In the bottom drawer of my dresser I keep my jeans, a few long sleeve tees and a few light jackets and sweatshirts.  And you know what?  I hardly needed them last winter.  For a few days it was in the 50's but seriously, that's hardly cold.  The other two boxes still sit untouched.  Then why do I keep them when space is at such a premium? Because I love them.  They are my winter favorites - pants and dresses and sweaters and jackets.  I just can't bear to let them go in the hopes that someday I will live somewhere cold.

These are the things I need to mourn.  Holding on to them is a constant reminder of the things I don't have right now.  Then I get so busy thinking of what I don't have that I can't be bothered to spend time thinking of what I do have.

I think that maybe if I take the time to really grieve for all the little things and nuances from my old life that I really miss that I can make room for new things that will find their way in.  By the way, me writing this is not me saying that I am currently grieving for those little things - I'm not ready.  I'm making my way from depression to acceptance.  So one of these days I might just have a little breakdown, or a big one where I just sob uncontrollably and inconsolably, about all the boots and coats and cloudy cold days that could have been and then, I hope, I will move on.


  1. Thank God for the internet. Keep writing. It helps sort out your brain. I love the 'where the fuck in Key West would I wear them' line. I like to think the universe will give you your boots and toys when the time is right. Miss you.

  2. We wear a similar shoe size. You can borrow my boots when you come home. My scarves and hat too. You can let go when you are ready. Hang on to them as long as you want. <3

  3. Ellen, I really liked what you wrote. Your perspective on sunny skies and warm weather is really interesting. It seems as though we love what we love even though we hope it can change. Maybe you are are meant to be under the clouds and in cooler weather. I hope you find your way back to changing seasons and boots.