Since we moved to Key West last September Mark swears that I'm way crabbier and bitcher than I ever have been. And its true, I'm hung up, most days I struggle to really find joy in my new home. First, the lack of what most people consider to be shitty weather - rain, clouds and cold, seems to be getting to me the most. I knew when we moved here that my least favorite kind of weather was sunny, blue sky weather, the kind we have here constantly, but I really just thought I would get used to it. I haven't. I swear I'm trying to pass it off that I have Summer On-set Seasonal Affective Disorder but no one really believes me. Then when you throw in the factors of missing important events back home and being over a thousand miles away from your besties, the ones who help you deal with your emotions, and well, shit - it's depressing.
Mostly its the things, both mentally and physically, that I'm holding on to that trigger it. Once, just one freakin time I wanted to look at some clothes on the shopping site Zulily.com and now I forever get emails from them. I could simply unsubscribe to them - but honestly I like looking. But then, as happened the other day I saw a pair of leather boots. It took me by surprise how much I wanted them, loved them. They were beautiful and wonderful. But where the fuck in Key West would I wear them. It instantly put me into a REALLY bad mood. I couldn't be helped. I was depressed because I didn't need boots and I don't know if or when I ever will again.
Why would I need boots when I couldn't even save my favorite black leather flats because did I mention that when my favorite wet and/or cold weather rolls in I can't really enjoy it because I'm too busy trying to keep everything we own - from our shoes and couches to our spices and picture frames from growing mold.
I still have two boxes and one drawer of winter clothes here. The heavy duty stuff is still back home in my parents basement. In the bottom drawer of my dresser I keep my jeans, a few long sleeve tees and a few light jackets and sweatshirts. And you know what? I hardly needed them last winter. For a few days it was in the 50's but seriously, that's hardly cold. The other two boxes still sit untouched. Then why do I keep them when space is at such a premium? Because I love them. They are my winter favorites - pants and dresses and sweaters and jackets. I just can't bear to let them go in the hopes that someday I will live somewhere cold.
These are the things I need to mourn. Holding on to them is a constant reminder of the things I don't have right now. Then I get so busy thinking of what I don't have that I can't be bothered to spend time thinking of what I do have.
I think that maybe if I take the time to really grieve for all the little things and nuances from my old life that I really miss that I can make room for new things that will find their way in. By the way, me writing this is not me saying that I am currently grieving for those little things - I'm not ready. I'm making my way from depression to acceptance. So one of these days I might just have a little breakdown, or a big one where I just sob uncontrollably and inconsolably, about all the boots and coats and cloudy cold days that could have been and then, I hope, I will move on.